2023 FOSP Women's Picks & Results Thread

[naughtyT]

Annihilation Killenyateama and Buzzkiller .. am I right?

[naughtyT]

Trolling is not one of the buttons!but thank you!

Of course. A button for TROLLING is not specifically designated; but the REPORT button (the exclamation mark) is the general tool to report such issues.
Repeat. We are looking into it.

Oh I think a "Trolling Button" would be awesome. Get on it boffins!

[ponchi101]

TMQ's pick is through and 1/3 of the pool was just wiped out in a 30 minute stretch. This is what glee feels like.

You

[JTContinental]

I've also sent a PM, but want to call out that due to a parser error, catman's pick has been ruled valid and they are still alive to play another day.

[JTContinental]

The blood just keeps flowing

[texasniteowl]

The blood just keeps flowing

Is my math right? 49 dead, 46 survived?

[JTContinental]

The blood just keeps flowing

Is my math right? 49 dead, 46 survived?

I believe that is correct, and all those losers (and those from the previous days) will all learn if their losing pick was because of unfortunate happenstance, ill-advised, fatally flawed, or a moment for shame.

Tune in tonight, all, for la premiere edition of the award winning tennis forum recap thread, STANK or DANK!!

[ponchi101]

I've also sent a PM, but want to call out that due to a parser error, catman's pick has been ruled valid and they are still alive to play another day.

Jt just called my "programming skills" an error. NEVER!!!!!!
For general info. The parser did not make an error; What happened was that Catman was kind enough to send me, within the DAY 3 PICKS topic, a post telling me that I had picked ANDREEVA, but had not specified who. The parser for TAT2.0 picks YOUR LAST POST, so the pick shown for him was the message sent to me.
So, remember. The parser picks your last post, regardless of what it is. That means that you don't even have to edit your first post, if you feel like changing it. But, if you want to contact/reply to somebody within the topic, and you post it after your pick, that will be the post shown by the parser.

[JTContinental]

TMQ regrets the error about the error.

[naughtyT]

Getting to day 4 feels like a huge achievement! I considered every one of those losers.

[JTContinental]

EDITED: Oops, don't read that yet, I have so much more to write

[Suliso]

Only one large bandwagon survived...

[JTContinental]

Gather around close, children, for TMQ has a verrrry scaaaary story to tell y'all. A tale of such unspeakable horror that I recommend you send your children to bed, banish grandma to the TV room, and scurry your pets out the doggy door, for none of them are prepared for this level of evil--a villain so diabolical in its relentless quest for blood that no matter how high the body count got, its thirst was not slaked. It was not afraid to strike deep into your chest, twist the knife and drag it down the wound, reach into your chest and return with your momentarily still beating heart in its dirty little hands as you collapse to the floor from shock and blood loss. And this monster is: The French Open First Round (maniacal laughter). There was nowhere to run or hide for a full 2/3 of our 137 players, as horror lurked in every corner and crevice of the draw. Some of those corners, crevices, and assorted hiding spaces were STANK, like an abbatoir drain on a hot summer afternoon, while still others were instead DANK, like the air in a pine forest next to a peat bog on a misty morning. Which was yours? Find out now.

Grab some popcorn and settle in, for my tale is not only terrifying, but lengthy--25 chapters to be exact. That's right, all y'all losers managed to pick 25/64 non-winners, a full 40% of those already making vacation plans with their $73,805.85 of prize money. My only consolation for having to write so much now is how little I will have to do for the rest of the tournament.

TURN AWAY HERE IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE STOMACH FOR IT. You've been warned.

Anhelina Kalinina (19 victims) CHAPTER 1: A CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE NIGHTMARE

CHOICE A (for nelslus only):
STANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANK

You call that a pick? That was an awful pick! The worst pick of the entire pool, if not the entire tournament, if not the entire grand slam year, if not in the entire history of SPs, if not in the entire open era of tennis. Margaret Court looked at this pick and passed because she thought it was too conservative and hateful. Faced with the choice of this pick or admitting it wasn't "accidentally ingested," Martina Hingis chose the latter. Monica Seles was told she had to make this pick and she stabbed herself. Your pick was such a bad boy, Francesca Schiavone took one look at it and invited it to f**k in the car. Hopefully this is your last pool---RETIRE, RETIRE, RETIRE!!! DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT.

STANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANKSTANK

CHOICE B (for everyone else)

DANK: Gee, tough luck; how did that happen?

Marie Bouzkova (14 victims) CHAPTER 2: THE STATS, DEAR GOD, THE STATS!
DANK Wang actually won two fewer points and only made 49% of her first serves. Unfortunately for you, she also won most of the important points and pulled through in straight sets.

Belinda Bencic (11 victims) CHAPTER 3: BLOODY FOOTPRINTS
STANK BLOODY FOOTPRINTS ...is the only way Bencic was staining the carpet red this year, as she didn't darken the doorstep of a clay court until Paris.

Sorana Cirstea (7 victims) CHAPTER 4: THE SCENT OF DEATH
The air on court was so verdant and DANK it was stifling, and the Jasmine wafting in the breeze caused Sorana to choke.

Shuai Zhang (6 victims) CHAPTER 5: KILL--YOUR TELEVISION
STANK From what I'm reading about her tearful post match breakdown, the Chinese government has Zhang under a microscope currently, which is probably affecting her recent results, including a double bagel handed to her by Anna-Lena Friedsam just before this tournament.

Kristina Mladenovic (3 victims) CHAPTER 6: TURN BACK!
STANK Kiki hasn't won a match on the main tour since September of 2022, when she defeated tennis juggernaut Sohyun Park, ranked 469 at the time. This pick was (scary music)...not recommended.

Shelby Rogers (3 victims) CHAPTER 7: THE CHANGELING--SWITCHED AT BIRTH
STANK Rogers had the 32 seed, but despite a down year in 2022, Martic is the better player, and is often a solid bet to win two or three matches in a slam.

Aliaksandra Sasnovich (2 victims) CHAPTER 8: THE CRUSH
DANK On paper a winner since she reached the R16 here last year, but Tauson is better than her current ranking and didn't have the weight of defending a bunch of points.

Jil Teichmann (2 victims) CHAPTER 9 THE DESCENT:
STANK You heard it here first--TMQ has declared the Jil Teichmann era to be over.

Panna Udvardy (2 victims) CHAPTER 10 SHYMAN(ovich):
STANK

SCENARIO 1
YOU: Here are two names that I don't recognize, but I bet they both enjoy firing the ball as hard as they can into the net until someone has enough points to win (TMQ interjects: they do; I watched it). I think I will pick from them.

SCENARIO 2
YOU: I'm Panna Uvardy's mom/dad/sister/coach/fan club president GO PANNA!

Fiona Ferro (2 victims) CHAPTER 11: LOOPER
STANK Fun (for TMQ) fact: Ferro's last main tour match was also a 6-2, 6-0 loss at the French Open

Sara Bejlek (1 victims) CHAPTER 12: I WAS A TEENAGE FAILWOLF
STANK Bejlek is heralded as possibly being the best of the crop of Czech teens that are storming up the rankings, but if she is, she's hiding it well.

Kimberly Birrell (1 victim) CHAPTER 13: NIGHT OF THE LIVING BRAIN DEAD
STANK TMQ assumes after a night of serious drinking you made the questionable decision of choosing this match out of a bunch of more reasonable ones, and then on top of it accidentally wrote down the wrong player.

Nuria Parrizas Diaz CHAPTER 14: DINOSAURS, or AFTER THE STORM
STANK In the future, TMQ advises not choosing from two senior citizens who have yet to win a singles match at Roland Garros.

Elizabeth Mandlik (1 victim) CHAPTER 15: THE CURSE OF THE NEPO BABY
DANK Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Anett Kontaveit (1 victim) CHAPTER 16: THE SHADOW
STANK Pera wins this match all day--she has done extremely well on the clay over the past two years. I've read somewhere that Kontaveit's latest injury might be chronic or semi-permanent, so she might not ever get back up to the upper eschelon.

Veronika Kudermetova (1 victim) CHAPTER 17: THE VANISHING
STANK Kudermetova's game has disappeared suddenly and without warning, but it's been long enough of a slide for you to have sat this one out.

Petra Kvitova (1 victim) CHAPTER 18: E(xtremely) D(umb) M(ove): FESTIVAL OF TERROR
STANK This player has already explained their reason for this choice in the Loser's Lounge, and it sounds like you have had enough DANKness over the holiday weekend. TMQ prescribes a gallon of orange juice and a day of watching Run for the Money on Netflix in a cool, dark room.

Katerina Siniakova (1 victim) CHAPTER 19: THE THING FROM THE NCAA
STANK You received a failing grade on your homework, as college tennis' latest phenom, Peyton Stearns, has already improved her ranking by 140 spots this year to crack the top 70.

Martina Trevisan CHAPTER 20: THE CREATURE FROM THE TERRA BATU
STANK Like the alien clown spider from It (TMQ SPOILER ALERT), Trevisan's wins at the French Open are cyclical--she makes the QFs or better every 27 years. Sadly, you were 26 years too early.

Xiyu Wang (1 victim) CHAPTER 21: THE POSTMAN ALWAYS WANGS TWICE
STANK This was not a good pick, but TMQ can appreciate the big swing and miss. Incidentally, there was both a Xiyu Wang AND and Xinyu Wang in the draw, one of which who won her first round match. Can you guess which one?

Erika Andreeva CHAPTER 22: THE WICKED STEPSISTER
STANK TMQ pictures Erika back at the hotel sticking pins into the hips and shoulders of a Mirra-shaped doll.

Victoria Azarenka (1 victim) CHAPTER 23: THE PORTRAIT OF VICTORIA AZARENKA
STANK Azarenka had a career rennaissance at the Australian Open, but the revival seems to be over. She also only played two matches on red clay in 2023, and withdrew with an injury from Rome, so probably best to wait and see what her form was like.

Barbora Krejcikova (1 victim) CHAPTER 24: ONLY THREE RETURNED
STANK Big 4, my a**

Aranxta Rus (1 victim) CHAPTER 25: GRABHER AND SQUEEEEEEZE
DANK A very tempting pick, given Rus is the veteran player and heretofore had a 3-0 record vs Grabher. The Austrian is red hot, though, coming off a finals run just last week.

And that's Round 1! If you notice any typos, please enjoy them, because I'm certainly not going to go back and proofread this novel. Someone get me an editor. See ya after Round 2.

[GlennHarman]

Thanks JT. I come back to this thread after I am gone just to read these enjoyable posts.

This time, I managed to lose in both pools in the first round, and both times with players who had not the slightest business losing their matches. Back in the remote past, I won 4 suicide pools total, and now it seems I rarely get past the first round, so it goes. Thanks to you guys for still doing this. GH

[Suliso]

Preliminary count:

Svitolina 20
Begu 11
Mertens 5
Muchova 5
Potapova 3
Zheng 2
Gracheva 1
Samsonova 1
Ostapenko 1
Rakhimova 1